Smashy Survivor
by yellowkirby
Summary: Twenty people have been marooned on an island for a month. Who will come out on top? This time, Sonic does drugs, Mario dies, and Pichu is cute. Yeah.
1. Shoot Yourself in the Leg

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, or any of the lines that Falcon says. However, I do own the English language, so I hope you can speak French during the trial.

* * *

"Yoshi's Island" said Master Hand, random shots of said island showing at a pace of four per second, "A mysterious place of which almost nothing is known about."

A picture of a library filled with books on the island was shown.

"20 castaways have been force- I MEAN VOLUNTEERED to be marooned on this island for 30 days. And only one will emerge as the-"

The camera fell over.

"ULTIMATE SURVIVOR!" said Master Hand, not noticing he was offscreen.

Random pictures of the castaways were shown.

Team Yamauchi:

Peach (Minimum Wage McDonalds Employee)

Captain Falcon (Bounty Hunter)

Snake (Part Time Real Estate Agent)

Wario (Weight Watcher's Prime Target)

Roy (Pyromaniac)

Pikachu (High School Student)

Toon Link (Pirate)

Popo (Mountaineer)

Nana (Mountaineer)

Dedede (Annoyance)

Team Arakawa

Kirby (Prime Time TV Producer)

Zelda (Princess)

Pichu (Prime Time TV Star)

DK (Garbage Man)

Yoshi (Retired CEO)

Mario (Self-Proclaimed Plumber)

ROB (Robot)

Lucas (High School Student)

Samus (Metroid Headhunter)

Sonic (Electrical Appliance Salesman)

The boat pulled up to the island. The contestants got off. This sure is exciting, isn't it?

"Survivors!" said Master Hand, "You will be stranded on this island for 30 days, unless you count the camera crews following you the whole time. You will have to search as a team for food and shelter, and bear in mind that you're on national television, so anything stupid you say willbe uploaded to Youtube a million times under the heading 'LOL'"

Several other contestants that were going to be on, such as Pit and Marth, immediately quit the show.

"You will be split into 2 teams which I will not say for the sake of redundancy. So you guys go there, and you guys go there," said Master Hand, pointing completely at random.

"You will each have to go to your respective camps. Team Arakawa, this is your camp. Team Yamauchi, yours is on the other side of this 50 mile wide island.

All of team Yamauchi groaned, except for Peach, who just smiled stupidly, and Falcon, who passed out on the ground.

All of team Arakawa grinned, except for Mario, who got hit on the head with a coconut, and ROB, who is incapable of grinning.

"Why does it always have to be me?" moaned Toon Link, cutting himself.

Team Yamauchi walked over to the other side, dragging Peach and Falcon.

"Good riddance," said Kirby.

* * *

_Toon Link  
Age 11  
Pirate  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"I can't believe that they would make us walk all this way!" moaned Toon Link, "It's unjust! It's unfair! It's- WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND ME?"

Toon Link cut himself.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Well," said Falcon, staggering drunkenly, "I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off."

Everyone stared at Captain Falcon.

"On a scale of one to ten, I'm very drunk."

Captain Falcon passed out on the ground, drunk.

Wario started to eat the body as Roy roasted it.

Pikachu groaned.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Don't worry guys! You can do it if you believe in yourself!" said Lucas, watching the others attempt to make a fire.

"Lucas, it would be useful IF YOU FREAKING CAME OVER HERE AND HELPED!" screamed Kirby, throwing various objects at Lucas, such as a flaming stick.

"Because I know you can do it if you try!"

"Affirmative," said ROB, shooting lasers out of his eyes, starting a fire and burning down any signs of a shelter they had made.

"AAGH!" screamed Mario, running out of the shelter.

"We're never gonna surivive!" groaned Zelda.

"I remember doing an episode like this on 4 and a Quarter People!" said Pichu, smiling.

* * *

_Roy  
Age 19  
Pyromaniac  
Tride Yamauchi_

"I came here because I heard that one of the challenges was for SWEET GLORIOUS FIRE BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN!" said Roy, "And because I need the money. FOR MATCHES TO SET THINGS ON FIRE BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN!"

The camera melted.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"HEY!" yelled Dedede, "WHERE'S MY FOOD?"

"You were the only one that didn't bother to get any," said Pikachu, "So who really deserves it?"

"Me, you bitches," declared Falcon, "I'm high on crack!"

"I deserve it!" yelled Dedede, hiding Falcon's imaginary stash, "Because I'm awesome!"

"No," argued Toon Link, "You're degrading and hateful. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Pikachu.

Toon Link cut himself.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!" shouted Toon Link, crying. "I'll just write this in my MySpace!"

Toon Link realised there were no computers.

Toon Link cut himself.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa  
Day 2_

"And I can't believe they have THE NERVE to send us to a place like this!! It's so isolated!" moaned Zelda.

Yoshi waved to his horde of friends passing by.

"..And there's no way to get food!" panicked Zelda as DK came back from a momentary excursion with a towering pile of fruit.

"...And the weather is downright terrible!" yelled Zelda, while stepping over Kirby, who was momentarily sunbathing.

"......And...um, the wildlife is...annoying?"

...

There were no animals in a 10-mile radius from them.

...

"Damnit."

"..." said Samus.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi  
Day 2_

"Check. Your email. And check your email. Ch-check your email and ch-check yo-your e-e-mail-mail." sang Falcon in the makeshift straitjacket that Pikachu had constructed for him.

"Let's see..." said Pikachu, getting out the tree mail. "Emo weekly..."

Toon Link stopped applying his makeup and grabbed the magazine from Pikachu.

"Ad blocker, enlarge your... not reading that out load, aha! Here's something!"

Everyone stopped doing whatever they were doing and started to listen to Pikachu, except for Toon Link, who cut himself.

"We don't feel like writing a long, insightful poem, so just letting you know that there's a reward challenge today."

"I can't wait to bomb some Dodongos!" said Falcon.

"Wow! A reward challenge! Doesn't that sound exiting, Popo?" asked Nana.

"Well," replied Popo, "I suppose so, but-"

"SHUT UP! Who asked you to talk? I can't believe this! I'm breaking up with you!"

"... I'm your brother."

"Of course you are, silly!"

"THIS IS FUN!" yelled Peach, running across the camp on fire, Roy chasing after her.

* * *

_Toon Link  
Age 11  
Pirate  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"This sucks," said Toon Link, "I can't tell about the woes in my life on my blog, and they wouldn't let me take my iPod so I can't listen to Green Day."

Toon Link cut himself.

* * *

_Captain Falcon  
Age 45  
Bounty Hunter  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"You know what they say," said Falcon, one of his eyes becoming unfocused, "All toasters toast toast!"

* * *

_Reward Challenge_

"Well, hello!" greeted Master Hand "Nice to see you, but I don't think there's any reason to-"

Both tribes held up the treemail.

"Oh."

...

"So, Survivors! This challenge is for fire!"

Roy instantly started worshipping the flint Master Hand held up.

"But... most of us can already make fire..." said Pikachu.

"Shut up," yelled Master Hand, "Now the challenge is... um..."

...

"Did we ever even make a challenge?"

...

"I get it. That guy over there," said Falcon, pointing to ROB, "Is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend, so that makes you...

A gay robot."

Everyone stared at Falcon.

"Anyway..." went on Master Hand, holding up a Shy Guy, "What is this?"

...

"A Shy Guy?" asked Yoshi.

"You did it!" cheered Lucas. "I knew you could do it if you tried!"

"Alrighty then," droned on Master Hand, "Tribe Yamauchi gets the fire, blah blah blah blah blah, now get the hell out of my sight."

Roy sobbed.

Toon Link cut himself.

The tribes went back to their camps.

Master Hand went home.

The camera crew starved to death 4 months later.

* * *

_Mario  
Age 37  
Self-Proclaimed Plumber  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"I don't see what the point of that challenge was," complained Mario, "I can shoot fire from my hands already, and,"

A chainsaw comically fell on Mario's head.

Mario died.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Oh man..." said Sonic, "Look at all the colors..."

"What are you doing?" asked Pichu, smiling cutely.

"What are you doing, Sonic?" shouted Lucas in disbelief, "Drugs are bad!"

"Shoot yourself in the leg," said Sonic.

"Where did you get those, anayway?" questioned Yoshi.

"Wait..." said Kirby, "Those are cherries! You're smoking freaking cherries!"

"..." said Samus.

"What are cherries?" asked Donkey Kong.

Everyone stared at DK.

Toon Link cut himself, but that was at the other camp.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

Toon Link cut himself.

"This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! His metabolic processes are now history! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! Bereft of life he rests in peace! He's off the twig! He's a stiff! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil and gone to join the choir invisible! This- is an ex-parrot!" listed Falcon.

"SHUT UP!" said Nana, whipping him.

"In West Clownopolia, born and raised, on a playground, where I spent most of my clown-"

Snake forced several tons of sand down Falcon's throat.

Wario ate the sand.

"But a couple of clowns, who were up to no good, started making trouble in my-"

Snake shot Falcon.

Dedede grabbed the body, for personal reasons.

Peach made out with the body.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa  
Day 3_

"ROB, get the treemail," said Kirby.

"Affermative," said ROB, getting the treemail and handing it to Mario.

Mario got a serious paper cut.

On his neck.

No seriously, it went through his jugular vein.

"WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT OUT ALIVE!!!" screamed Zelda.

Kirby took the treemail.

"Roses are red,  
Violets are blue,  
Immunity challenge today,  
SO FREAKING COME YOU MORONS!!!"

Sonic took the treemail and started to smoke it.

"What does immunity mean?" asked DK.

Everyone groaned.

* * *

_Immunity Challenge_

"Survivors!" bellowed Master Hand, "This challenge you will be going for immunity!"

He held up a smily face sticker.

"This is immunity!"

"WHAT?" yelled DK.

"Immunity! It allows you to not get voted off, and makes you feel special."

"ARE YOU ASKING FOR A CHALLENGE?????" asked Falcon, staggering drunkenly.

"In order for your tribe to get it, you need to climb up the rope thingamajig, then slide down some mud under a wire thingamabob, then swing on a vine over some pixelated alligators, then shoot the oncoming Goomba, then burn your team flag. You must all go as a team, 5-4-3-0 go."

Both teams went on the ropes, Mario somehow becoming hung from his.

"I hope you made lotsa spaghetti!" yelled Falcon, his head becoming caught on the wire on the slide down.

Tribe Arakawa was mainly on the other side of the cleverly-named pitfall.

"Hurry up already, ROB!" screamed Kirby.

"Affer- MA- tiv-" said ROB, running out of power.

"Darn."

"I wish I was an Oscar Myer weiner..." sang Falcon shooting the Goomba, and Wario.

Roy ran up to the flag and set several things on fire, including both flags, the challenge area, and Mario.

"Tribe Yamauchi wins, whatever, tribe Yamauchi is going to Tribal Council," said Master Hand, throwing Snake the sticker.

Toon Link cut himself in celebration.

* * *

_Yoshi  
Retired CEO  
Age 22  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"Yeah, um..." began Yoshi, "I blame ROB. Because, well... um..."

The cameraman got bored and switched to someone else.

* * *

_Samus  
Metroid Headhunter  
Age 30  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"..."

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"It's all your fault, ROB, you jerk!" shouted Kirby "If it wasn't for you, we'd be home free! You slimeball, you idiot!"

"..." said ROB.

"Playing silent with me, eh? Well I know how to get you to talk!"

Kirby shot ROB.

"..." said ROB.

"Don't worry, guys!" said Lucas, "We believed in ourselves, so it was a win in spirit!"

* * *

_Tribal Council_

"Get your fire, fire is your life." said Master Hand.

Sonic started smoking the torch.

"What's fire?" asked DK, putting his face in the torch.

"Shut up. Now, Samus, have you found any problems with your tribemates?"

"..." said Samus.

"Fasinating. Now ROB, has there been any tension among the camp?"

"..." said ROB.

"Great. Lucas, has anyone told you that you're freaking annoying?"

"If they find me that way, they should listen to my advice. Brush your teeth every day!" cheered Lucas.

"Your mother never loved you."

Lucas cried.

"Now, time for the voting. Samus, you go up."

A montage showed.

"Now, the votes are in! ROB, you lose."

"..." said ROB.

Master Hand threw ROB in the direction of the hotel, snuffing his torch.

"That is all. Good bye."

* * *

_Farewell Speech_

"..." said ROB.

* * *

_Voting things you never got to see_

"..." said Samus, voting for ROB.

"Jerk," accused Kirby, putting in a vote for ROB.

"..." said ROB, voting for no-one.

"Sorry," whispered Yoshi, a vote for ROB in his hand.

DK smiled, holding up a stick figure drawing of Zelda.

"You made the challenge so horrible!" said Zelda, voting for Mario.

Mario put in a vote for Sonic, then got shot.

"The magic flying monkey toolstool king told me to," confessed Sonic, voting for ROB.

"You didn't believe in yourself! That's bad!" exclaimed Lucas, putting in a vote for Mario.

Pichu voted for ROB then smiled cutely.

"I'm rigging this game," said Master Hand, voting for ROB.

* * *

_Next time on Smashy Survivor:_

Lucas starts to try to pry Sonic away from drugs...

_"There's a hundred thousand million ways to say no," sang Lucas._

_He was mauled to death instantly._

And Pikachu begins to snap!

_"Yes, everything's fine, nothing's wrong..." said Pikachu, hiding himself in the corner.

* * *

_

Now it's time for- Who's gonna Sue YK!

Just go back and send me where Falcon's lines came from in a PM... yeah...


	2. We're No Strangers to Love

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, Falcon's lines, blah blah blah blah blah, shut the hell up.

Oh, and congrats to ISK for winning the thingamajig. Read the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race. [/shamelessplug]

* * *

"Last time on- Survivor!" said Master Hand.

"Samus made a starling discovery!"

_"How did you find me?" asked a small Yoshi with only one eye and two limbs, hanging off the edge of a cliff._

"A special guest appeared!"

_"LoLS Im Teh MASTUR CHEF" said Crash Bandicoot._

_Snake shot him._

"And Falcon made a controversial move!"

_"Starting today-" said Falcon, "I am clean. I have sworn off drinking."_

_The Alcoholics Anonymous members applauded._

"Oh, well crap, that was for As the Smash Ball Turns." said Master Hand.

"I was on that show once!" screamed Pichu.

"Shut up."

The opening credits started, with captions from almost everyone on the Internet.

Team Yamauchi:

Peach (Y DO U HAV HER AS A DUM BLONDD RETARD)

Captain Falcon (STOP RIPPIN OF PEEPEL DARNITT)

Snake (HOMNICIDEE EESNT FUNNEE N00B)

Wario (FAT JOKS ARNT GOOD RASCIST)

Roy (Y ISSNT HEE GAY U MORONN)

Pikachu (MAK HIM FUNNIER)

Toon Link (WAAAH U HAT HIM STUIPD)

Popo (Y IS HE DEEFRENT FROM NANAA DUM)

Nana (Y IS SHE DEEFRENT FROM POOPO DUM)

Dedede (Y DO U HAT AL TEH GOD CHARATERS)

Team Arakawa

Kirby (HES NOT FUNNIE MAK HIM FUNNYER)

Zelda (WAH WAH WAH SHUT HER UP)

Pichu (TAKE HIM OUT HE SUCKS)

DK (HES DUMB REMOV HIM)

Yoshi (HES NOT FUNY N00B)

Mario (Y DO U HAT HEEM HES AWSOM)

Lucas (SHUT HIM UP MR RODGERS)

Samus (MAKE HER TALK AND HAVE HER WEAR A BIKNI)

Sonic (DRUGS R BAD CHANGE HEEM)

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi  
Day 4_

"Boy, I sure am hungry," said Wario, "I should eat some food to maintain my constant weight of 400 pounds."

"But I'M the one that deserves to eat!" said Dedede, "I'm just that awesome!"

"I can't believe that they would just argue over something like that!" said Nana, "Let's go, Popo."

"Well," said Popo "I guess if we don't want to be caught up in the argument, we should-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP! WHO ASKED YOU TO TALK? YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE PUSHED OFF THE MOUNTAIN 'ACCIDENTALY' WHEN WE GET BACK!"

"Just- Wait, is that smoke?"

"Remember, where there's smoke-" slurred Falcon "There's fire!"

The entire freaking island caught on fire.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"But Sonic," cheered Lucas, "There's several ways for you to stop drugs!"

"Back off kid," said Sonic, obviously high, "What are you, a narc?"

"I think I can do it! Here's a song from the aptly named Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!"

The rest of the tribe advanced, holding pitchforks.

"There's a hundred million wonderful ways to say no," sang Lucas.

He was mauled to death instantly.

Smoke started to drift into the camp.

"This is heaven!" proclaimed Sonic, passing out.

Everyone else did too.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

Master Hand set off an explosion near the tribe so they would wake up.

"Survivors," he bellowed, "Yoshi's Island has been destroyed. Three guesses as to which one of you did it."

He glared at Roy.

"So we had to evacuate you, blahblahblahblahblah, you're in an abandoned Zora camp in Hyrule."

Master Hand left.

"NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" cried Wario, "HOW WILL I GET MY FOOD NOW?"

"I can't wait to make this sex thing I've been hearing about with a lady friend," said Falcon, staring at Peach.

"Why aren't these pancakes cooking?" asked Peach, staring at a pile of rocks she made. "I turned the stove on and everything!"

"Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Well, guys," started Pikachu, "We've all been moved, so I know we're all gonna have to adapt. I think that Toon Link and Peach should look for kindling to start a fire, and-"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Nana, advancing on Pikachu with an axe. "I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU IF YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH ONE MORE TIME! YOU HEAR ME?"

"Meep."

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

The entire Master Hand segment was replayed in the space of three seconds.

"WELL SCREW YOU TOO!" yelled Kirby, waving his non-existant fist.

"Um... guys?" whispered Yoshi shyly, "Um... I think that... er..."

Everyone looked at Yoshi.

"...Nevermind."

"..." said Samus.

* * *

_Popo  
Mountaineer  
Age 13  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"I personally think that the tribe has the chance to win," began Popo, grinning. "The only people slowing us down are Falcon and Dedede."

"...and Wario."

"Not to mention Toon Link and Peach."

"And Roy's pretty irritating."

"And Snake's tried to kill everyone about ten times already."

"...And Nana's beginning to-"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" yelled Nana, sounding dangerously close.

"Um, nothing!"

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"So Pikachu and Snake should get food, Toon Link should get started on a shelter, and Nana should hand feed me grapes," proclaimed Dedede.

Pikachu and Snake both ran off.

Toon Link cut himself.

"Well sure!" said Nana. "Anything to help a friend!"

"Then get to it!"

"SHUT UP! DO YOU THINK THAT I SHOULD JUST ANSWER YOUR EVERY BECK AND CALL?" yelled Nana, whipping Dedede.

"We're back," said Snake, holding up Pikachu's half-eaten corpse.

"Great! NOW HAND THAT OVER!" bellowed Dedede. "Now Falcon should...

Where is Falcon?"

Music started as a spotlight fell on the camp.

Everyone stared.

"We're no strangers to love," sang Falcon, suddenly appearing in a trechcoat.

"You know the rules, and so do I!"

"You're hearts been aching but, you're too strong. You wouldn't get this from any other guy!"

"I- just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand!"

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna-"

Snake threw a rock at him.

* * *

_Snake  
Part Time Real Estate Agent  
Age 35  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"One of the first things about being in the army is to trust nobody," started Snake, glancing around. "They drilled it into our heads so much that I killed all of my instructors. But another thing is-"

Snake stopped.

"OH MY GOD A HYLIAN LOACH!"

Snake threw a grenade at it.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

An annoyingly fast shot of the sun setting showed.

Two figures were shown, completely in shadow to conveniently add to the mystery.

"Stupid dark," grumbled one of them.

"Stop being so negative!" said the other. "Look on the bright side! The stars are bright, for example!"

"Shut up. Now, anyway, the competition's going to be hard, so... alliance?"

"Sure! Having an alliance will make things easier for you, just believe in yourself!"

"Shut up again."

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa  
Day 5_

"Tree mail," said Kirby, getting what should really be called rock mail.

"What's it say? Is it another acting preposition?" asked Pichu.

"It says..."

"Yes?"

"You,  
Change your mind,  
Like a girl,  
changes clothes,

'Cause you're hot then you're cold,  
You're yes then you're no,  
You're in then you're out,  
You're up then your down,  
You're wrong when it's right,  
It's black then it's white,  
Reward challenge today,  
So get there morons."

"..." said Pichu.

"..." said Samus.

* * *

_Reward Challenge_

"Survivors," said Master Hand. "Today you will be playing for..."

Master Hand pulled a cloth off of a few twigs tied together with string at the end.

"Fishing equipment!"

"This PROVES how stupid this is!" proclaimed Zelda. "They can't even afford a fishing pole!"

"Oh, and fire if Tribe Yamauchi wins."

Roy instantly snapped to attention.

"So, you'll all be tied together, like in single file or something. You'll have to go through an obstacle course, which I won't tell you about so I can see the suprise on your faces when you fail and/or get decapitated. First one to reach the flag wins. Oh, and you'll be waist-deep in water, so hope the midgets on your team don't drown. Tribe Yamauchi, you have to sit someone out."

"I say it's Nana," said Dedede "Because she caused more bodily harm than I declared legal. AND WHAT I SAY GOES."

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" shouted Nana. "You just can't keep someone out without reason!"

Nana skipped to the bench, flowers and... um... lily pads coming up behind her.

The film skipped to the contestants being tied up and near the obstacle course.

"Survivors," said Master Hand. "On your mark..."

The Smashers tensed up.

"Get set..."

Close ups were shown, but mainly of Brad Pitt and not the contestants.

"Go!"

Most of the contestants fell flat on their faces.

"MY MASCARA IS COMING OFF!" griped Toon Link.

"You know, I used to hate the water. Can't imagine why." said Falcon.

After about a half hour of useless dialouge, the tribes finally made it to the course.

"WHAT THE HECK TOOK YOU SO LONG YOU fellow tribemates who I love with all my soul?" questioned Nana.

"I like you style, kid," remarked Falcon. "You remind me of a young me. Not too much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a couple of years older."

"Shut up and help!" cried Toon Link. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!"

"Well guys," started Pikachu. "Just get over the pit of spinning razor blades. There's no way we can lose here!"

Pikachu looked ahead of him.

"Damn."

"I can't believe there's no way they care about our personal safety," started Zelda. "I WANT TO GO HO-"

Zelda was impaled on the aptly named Spinning Axe of Doom Thingy.

"Darnit!" cursed Kirby, him and the rest of the tribe spinning around by the rope tying them all together.

"Look at all these lovely flowers!" cheered Peach, picking up a land mine.

All of Peach's tribe got blown towards their flag.

However, Zelda's body unlodged somehow and sent the other tribe flying towards the flag.

Intense shots were shown of the two tribes, the flags, and Puff the magic dragon.

Zelda's tribe got there first.

"Tribe Arakawa wins, yay, take this piece of crap away from me." said Master Hand.

The tribes went back to their respective camps.

* * *

_Zelda  
Princess  
Age 23  
Tribe Arakawa_

"This place makes no sense!" whined Zelda. "There's the skipping from one place to another without doing anything, the fact that nothing gets done and we still survive, the fact that people die and come back to life without explanation..."

"Wait..."

* * *

_Donkey Kong  
Garbage Man  
Age Unknown  
Tribe Arakawa_

"What do you mean that I have to say something to the camera?" asked DK. "What do you mean by talk? What's a camera? I'M SO CONFUSED! WHY AM I CONFUSED? WHY AM I SHOUTING?"

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"So, we won fishing equipment..." said Kirby.

...

"Do any of us know how to fish?"

"Look!" yelled Pichu, running over. "The hook came into my ear! Now it's pierced, like in 12 Burials and a Marriage!"

Kirby facepalmed.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Wario, give me your food," demanded Dedede. "I'm hungry."

"NEVER," said Wario, hurrily eating the 20 foot high mound of food on his plate, erm, rock. "I got such a small portion! Can't you see I can't spare anything?"

"It's still 15 feet high."

"No, you've been in the sun too long, it's playing tricks on your eyes, and um... LOOK A DISTRACTION!"

"Ha! Who'd ever fall for such a stupid gag?"

"Where is it?" asked Pikachu excitedly, running out of the shelter.

"Desperate times call for desperate desperateness!" screamed Falcon.

* * *

_Peach  
__McDonalds Employee  
Age 28  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"Hi! Have you seen my magical talking puppy?" asked Peach. "My blue smarclenickel kissed me on the lips! Yay! Can you find Waldo in this picture? I herd u liek mudkipz! The radiator exploded yesterday! What's four plus four? My lips taste funny! Vanilla Ice is the best rapper ever! I can't locate the Internet today, can you? Welcome to Carl's Jr! I got my dress and my purse mixed up... again! My face is missing! Do you know the way to Washington DC? Leave Britney alone! Dirt tastes funny! How much do you weigh? My name is Erica! It's all about speed! I'm going to eat your heart now! Blah is a funny word! Blah blah blah blah blah! But I'm a princess! Shrimp tastes disgusting! I'm not sure what potato means! Glarckensiam! I can't find my steriods! You are in last place, sorry, but you are eliminated! World War II was a time of peace! What's your name again? My life is a lie! Tacos are actually eels! I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! Great Merlin's monkeys! I'm going home now! Bye-bye!"

Peach skipped off into a lake.

* * *

_Captain Falcon  
Bounty Hunter  
Age 45  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"Doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing," sang Falcon. "Doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing."

Falcon passed out.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi  
Day 6_

"Tree mail!" proclaimed Popo, getting it out.

"Roadblock: Who's really hungry?"

"Liek LAWLZ ill do IT i HOLE TEH WORLD RECORD 4 eating PEEPLZ." said Jigglypuff.

...

"What?" asked Popo, staring.

* * *

_Immunity Challenge_

"Survivors," announced Master Hand. "This is a test. I repeat, this is a test."

The area behind him blew up.

"Thank you. This has been a test."

"..." said Samus.

"Nothing happened... nothing at all..." muttered Pikachu.

"Now, Tribe Yamauchi, hand over immunity." demaded Master Hand.

"No!" cried Toon Link. "It listened to all my problems and helped me apply my mascara and it's my only friend!"

Master Hand tore the sticker out of Toon Link's hands.

"Now, today's challenge is eating things. Gross things. First tribe to acheive three things eaten wins. Sit someone out, Tribe Yamauchi."

"This time," said Dedede. "We're sitting out Nana."

"You sat her out last time."

"Then, we'll do Yoshi."

"He's from the other freaking tribe."

"Um... Pikachu?"

"No. I like Pikachu."

"Er... Wario."

"Fine. Wario, sit in the corner and think about what you've just done."

Wario sadly walked over and ate the dunce cap.

"Now, let's spin the wheel of the grossest things we could find!"

"Can I buy a vowel?" screamed Falcon.

"Dedede and Mario, you will each be forced to eat..."

Master Hand pulled the cover off of a tray.

"A cannonball!"

Dedede inhaled the cannonball, suffering no effects.

Mario tried to swallow it, but chocked on it.

The cannonballs of the nation were ordered to be sent back to China due to them being covered in lead paint.

"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Kirby and Roy, you have to eat..."

Another cover was pulled off.

"Bee larvae!"

Kirby inhaled the larvae, becoming BEE LARVAE KIRBY! with the ability to make honey and pollinate flowers.

Roy poked at the larve with a match, setting it on fire.

"A point for Tribe Arakawa. Toon Link and Zelda, eat...."

Wario ate the cover before it could be pulled off.

"Roast Tingle!"

Toon Link and Zelda eagerly dug in, with Zelda finishing her portion first.

"Another point for Tribe Arakawa. Nana and Lucas, you have to eat..."

Another match, another cover.

"Terminia Fried Cucco!"

"WAHHH! THIS IS TOO HARD! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN BEAT HIM!" cried Nana as Lucas started to eat.

"Don't worry! Just believe in yourself! In fact, I'll go slower so we can have a fair-"

Nana ate everything on her "plate" and Lucas's eyes.

"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Falcon and DK, you have to eat..."

The cover blew up.

"Coro's Special Dodongo Soup Deluxe!"

"WE LIEK THE MOON," sang Falcon.

DK lifted the bowl, looking fo this so-called "soup".

"BUT NOT AS MUCH AS CHEESE"

DK figured out that the liquid was soup, then tried to figure out the word "eat".

"WE LIEK CHEESE WE LIEK ZEPPELINS"

DK cried as he learned that soup does not go in the nostrils.

"WE REALLY LIEK THEM"

DK suffered third degree burns as he learned that soup bowls do not go on the head.

"AND WE LIEK KELP AND WE LIEK MOOSE"

Some of the soup ended up in DK's mouth.

"AND WE LIEK DEER AND WE LIEK MARMOTS AND WE LIEK ALL THE FLUFFY ANIMALS"

DK threw up.

"That's proof that DK ate some!" annouced Master Hand. "Tribe Arakawa wins immunity!"

"BOO!" screamed Wario.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

Dedede immediately rounded up Pikachu, Nana, Popo, and Falcon upon returning.

"Now guys, if you vote for Wario, I will let you eat your food tonight. Otherwise you will be whipped into submission." announced Dedede.

"There's a word for that..." said Falcon. "Let's see... what was it... ownership? No, it was more along the lines of..."

"SHUT UP." said Nana. "And who do you think you are, telling us who we should or shouldn't vote for? I've never been so humlitiated in all my life!"

"And you suppose you have authority over me?" asked Dedede.

"Nope!" chirped Nana. "Sure, I'll help you!"

One the other side of camp, however, Wario got the others.

"Now, see, if you guys vote for Dedede for me, I won't eat your food and steal your lunch money. See?"

"I can't find the dictionary!" cheered Peach.

Roy was too busy staring at a lit match to listen.

Toon Link cut himself.

Snake shot Wario, then took Toon Link's knife and stabbed him.

Wario died.

* * *

_Dedede  
Annoyance  
Age 44  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"I'm a cinch to win." proclaimed Dedede. "I rule this tribe with my iron fist of awesome awesomeness, and since I rule, they'll all vote the way I tell them to!"

Dedede laughed evilly.

* * *

_Wario  
Weight Watcher's Prime Target  
Age 38  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"There's no way I can lose," sneered Wario. "With my intimidation, I can give that show off what he deserves!"

Wario laughed evilly.

* * *

_Toon Link  
Age 11  
Pirate  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"WHY HAVEN'T YOU FOCUSED THE CAMERA ON ME AT ALL?" whined Toon Link. "DO YOU HATE ME? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?"

Toon Link cut himself.

* * *

_Tribal Council_

"Get some fire," said Master Hand. "Fire is your life."

"YES!" cheered Roy, bathing himself in the fire from his torch.

"Now, let's get to business, Falcon, have you personally had any trouble with your teamates, like... Peach?"

"Well," said Falcon. "First she called me a cheap pathetic freak, then she said to the officers 'arrest this person for impersonating a man.'"

"I see. Now, Dedede, has there been any tension with your tribemates?"

"That freak, Wario." proclaimed Dedede. "He never take his fair share, and is, less than me. Greedy pig!"

"Oh. And Wario, you were sitting out on the challenge. Do you think you could have been an important part in winning if you were in?"

"Hells yeah," said Wario. "It's freaking eating. What do you think?"

"Um, that you're a fat lazy pig who's never worked a day in his life?"

"Exactly."

"Now, time for the voting."

Dramatic shots were shown of Master Hand, the voters, and Chuck Norris.

"Now," started Master Hand. "Time for the votes."

More dramatic shots.

"Dedede."

A shot of Dedede.

"Dedede."

Another shot of Dedede.

"Wario."

A shot of Wario.

"Wario."

A shot of Paris Hilton.

"Toon Link. Um, Toon Link, this is your handwriting."

A shot of Toon Link praying under his breath, I mean cutting himself.

"Wario."

Another shot of Wario.

"Wario, Dedede, Wario."

Shots of the aformentioned people.

"Wario, you are the weakest link, goodbye."

"What?" asked Wario.

"I mean, um, the tribe has spoken." proclaimed Master Hand, snuffing out Wario's torch. "Now go away. And the rest of you go back to your camp."

Dramatic shots again, resulting in a cameraman falling into the water and drowning.

* * *

"It was kind of expected that I lost," said Wario. "I mean, nobody liked me and I had no friends. WHY? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS EAT THEIR FOOD! And Dedede, go to hell."

* * *

_Votings_

"Jerk." said Dedede, voting for Wario.

"Hellspawn." insulted Wario, putting in a vote for Dedede.

"GET ME OUTTA HERE!" cried Toon Link, writing his own name down.

"You always scare me. But Dedede always scares me too. I'M SO CONFUSED! I mean- no, no, nothing's wrong..." said Pikachu, marking Wario on his ballot and hiding in the corner.

"I hate you so much. If I could, I would drag your guts out of your own body and feed them to piranhas." listed Nana, putting in a vote for Dedede. "Good luck with the rest of your life!"

"I BELIVE I CAN FLI" screamed Falcon, putting in a poor drawing of Wario.

"I saw you trying to eat my fire. YOU WILL NEVER GET IT." confessed Roy, writing Wario's name down.

"My favorite flower is the chimpanzee!" cheered Peach, writing down scribbles resembling the name "WARIOF".

"I hope my next mission is to kill you. Because I hate your so much." insisted Snake, writing down Dedede's name.

"I know you'll probably hate me for this, but... I don't think you'll be that helpful. Sorry." whispered Popo, putting down Nana's name.

* * *

_Next time on, Smashy Survivor!_

Tension continues between tribemates!

_"GO AWAY! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" screamed Nana._

And Peach says something semi-coherent!

_"And Peach will get some more fruit."_

_"What?" asked Peach._

_Everyone stared._

* * *

Yay.

You can play that Falcon lines game again... you get a shameless plug...


	3. And it Tastes Delicious

Disclaimer: I don't own Smash Bros. or any of Falcon's lines, but I do own your soul. Hand it over.

* * *

"Last time on- Smashy Survivor!" began Master Hand "People... did stuff... I don't know what... I can't even remember what I did last night... God I need to stop drinking... Now I've got to get over this hangover... Gah..."

The contestants thing started, with captions from a stand up comedian.

Tribe Yamauchi

Peach (Minimum Wage McDonalds Employee... like my inlaws!)

Captain Falcon (Bounty Hunter, hunting for beer... like my inlaws!)

Snake (Part Time Real Estate Agent who's worthless at his job... like my inlaws!)

Roy (Pyromaniac... like my inlaws!)

Pikachu (High School Student, who's going crazy... like my inlaws!)

Toon Link (Pirateing loser... like my inlaws!)

Popo (Mountaineer, the worthless one... like my inlaws!)

Nana (Mountaineer, the insane one... like my inlaws!)

Dedede (Annoyance... like my inlaws!)

Team Arakawa

Kirby (Prime Time TV Producer with anger management issues... like my inlaws!)

Zelda (Princess who just stands there and whines... like my inlaws!)

Pichu (Prime Time TV Star who just sits there and looks cute... like my inlaws!)

DK (Garbage Man who's dumb... like my inlaws!)

Yoshi (Retired CEO who's worthless... like my inlaws!)

Mario (Self-Proclaimed Plumber who deserves to be killed... like my inlaws!)

Lucas (High School Student who I want to DIE ALREADY... like my inlaws!)

Samus (Metroid Headhunter who doesn't do anytyhing... like my inlaws!)

Sonic (Electrical Appliance Salesman who's always high... like my inlaws!)

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi  
Day 7_

Flowers were everywhere and butterflies flew while birds sang, even though the camp was really just a few large rocks surrounded by water. Bambi ran past.

"Wow, what a nice day!" cheered Nana. "Oh, look at the birdie! Come here little birdie!"

"It sure is nice now that Wario's not here," agreed Popo. "I mean, now we actually have food. What a-"

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP," screamed Nana, tearing the bird's head off with her bare hands. "IF YOU SPEAK WITHOUT MY PERMISSION ONE MORE TIME, THIS ICE AXE IS GOING INTO YOUR SKULL! YOU GOT THAT?"

Popo was about to respond, but a pickaxe went straight through his skull.

"How ironic!" giggled Nana.

She was brained alive too.

"No, no, axe. Don't come towards me..." mumbled Pikachu, getting impaled by a spear along with Roy.

"I HEARBY DECREE THAT IF A SPEAR, PICKAXE OR ANY OTHER SHARP IMPLEMENT HITS ME, THE PERPETRATOR BEHIND THIS SHALL BE EXECUTED." decreed Dedede.

A toothpick was thrown into Dedede's eye.

He died.

"How beautiful is this pile of blubber?" questioned Peach, being skinned alive by razor blades.

"Thanksgiving was the day that all the Pokemon taught the Jedi how to grow crops!" cheered Falcon, his skull being crushed by rocks.

Snake was killed as well before he could say anything witty.

"WHY ARE THEY ALL DEAD AND NOT ME? TAKE ME TOO, LORD!" cried Toon Link.

Nothing happened.

"NOOOOO!" cried Toon Link, cutting himself.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Did you hear screaming?" asked Pichu cutely.

"Oh, I'm sure it was nothing." said Kirby.

"..." announced Samus.

Everyone in camp was crushed by a forty ton weight.

Toon Link won.

Go home.

No, no, on second thought, don't. Stay here. I need friends. Please stay.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Hello, there," said Master Hand. "You have been transported yet again... Because all of the evil terrorist Zoras that left the territory want it back."

"Wait, we've been moved AGAIN? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?" screamed Kirby.

"Yes. So you're at Norfair, because we figured lava is better than evil terrorist Zoras. Those evil terrorist Zoras are real. Don't mess with the evil terrorist Zoras."

"Wait, do you get paid 20 dollars every time you say 'evil terrorist Zoras'?"

"Y-evil terrorist Zoras-es. Now goodbye."

"Yeah, screw you too."

"Evil terrorist Zoras!"

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"HiguysyouvebeenrelocatedbecauseofevilterroristZoraskbye" yelled Master Hand, flying by at the speed of light.

"Ah! No, no, nothing's wrong, no, no, lava not real, no..." mumbled Pikachu.

Pikachu touched the lava.

His hand got burned off instantly.

"Now, Pikachu, get me some water!" decreed Dedede. "And Falcon, you...

...

God, not this again."

Falcon appeared as piano music played. He started singing, much to the annoyance of everyone in the world.

"Mrs. Landers was a health nut,  
She cooked food in a wok,  
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend,  
He had a great big-"

"Wait, wait, wait," inturrupted Popo. "Is there any way that this song is appropriate?"

There was scilence.

Falcon started again.

"Cock a doodle doodle,  
The rooster just won't quit,  
And I don't want my breakfast,  
Because it tastes like-"

"STOP!" yelled Popo. "Really, does anybody believe this song is appropriate?"

"Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer!" screamed Peach, waving her hand.

Falcon started yet again.

"Shitzus make good housepets,  
They're loveable and sweet,  
Monkeys aren't good to have,  
'Cause they beat their own-"

Popo facepalmed.

"Can I set him on fire? Pleeeeeaseeee?" pleaded Roy.

Again with the Falcon started again.

"Meeting in the office,  
A meeting in the hall,  
The boss he wants to see you,  
So you can suck his-"

"REALLY, STOP IT! THERE IS NO WAY THIS CAN BE PUT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!" yelled Popo.

"Ballzac was a writer,  
He lived with Allen Funt,  
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him,  
But that's 'cause she's a-"

"Is anybody listening to me?" asked Popo.

"Falcon, stop." decreed Dedede.

Falcon ignored them, and continued to sing.

"Contaminated water,  
Can really make you sick,  
'Cause your bladder gets infected,  
And blood comes out your-"

"I mean it." said Dedede. "Stop or I shall kill you with my AWESOMENESS."

"Dictate what I'm saying,  
'Cause it will bring you luck,  
And if you don't all like it,  
I don't give a flying-"

Snake shot Falcon.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Ah... oh man that's good stuff... Look at all the colors... and lines... and more colors... and colorful lines..." droned Sonic, high.

"Sonic!" yelled Lucas. "Why are you lighting your drugs in the lava? That's making it harder to quit! And it's bad for the enivornment! It's hurting the animals! Like..."

...

"Um..."

...

"Er..."

...

"OK, bad example. But there's still the option of breaking the habit! I know you can do it!"

"What are you doing?" asked DK, walking by. "What is that? What's my name? Why am I sad? What does sad mean?"

Pichu smiled cutely.

* * *

_Still Tribe Arakawa_

"OK, so, Yoshi," started Kirby. "We should be able to make it far in this game, and we need plot devices."

"So...?" questioned Yoshi.

"I mean, do you want want to start an alliance, idiot?"

"Um... uh... Sure, I gues-"

"Good."

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa again..._

Mario fell in the lava.

A sitcom laugh track played.

* * *

_Samus  
Metroid Headhunter  
Age 30  
Tribe Arakawa_

"..." said Samus.

Silence.

"..."

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"All Antarctican alphabets are awkward!" announced Peach, always allowing any anteaters.

"Burning... beauty... burn burn burn..." bumbled a bemused Roy, burning... blueberries.

Carefully, Toon Link criss-crossed a cultiany cutting contraption.

"Do drink in Dedede's... drinkability," declared Dedede, doing... what Dedede does.

The scene ended abruptly.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

DK spent half an hour trying to figure out what lava is.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Hey! Help handle holding... hats!" said Popo, holding hats.

"I'M IRRITATED INTO INSANITY!" ired Nana, irked.

"Just jump, Juicy Juice!" jammered Peach, jumping.

The cameramen ran away.

* * *

_Sonic's Crack Fantasies_

"So sweet..." stammered Sonic, "Such sweet shi-"

The studio immediately got several angry letters.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Vultures, vanity, vile!" sang Peach, um... vacuuming.

"While we watch, do women watch?" wondered Snake.

XD.

"Yet yonder, yellow yams yet to yawn?" yelled Peach.

[dramatic tension]

"Zanzibar...

...

ziles?

...Zoun-"

[/dramatic tension]

Falcon jumped out of nowhere, hitting whoever was saying that, and started to sing. Yes, again.

"United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama,  
Haiti, Jamaca, Peru,  
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean,  
Greenland, El Salvador too,

Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezual-"

The rest of the tribe ripped off his flesh for ruining the big moment, saving millions of lives from internal bleeding of the ears in the process.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

sonIC: HEY GUYS lol im here

LuCaS: YaY WE'VE almos difued teh bom

JULIA YAY: BUT WAT ABOT TEH PRIMIDS

The camera crew realised they were still filming Sonic's crack fantasies, and stopped... somehow.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa  
Day 8_

"Treemail," announced Kirby, pulling a peice of wood out of the lava.

"Bring all of your luck with you,  
And also, be ready too,  
Since the fight to get a reward,  
To win it, it will be hard,  
All of your skill will be needed,  
Ready for a fight which will be unheeded,  
Do be to... um... make like MacGyver,  
So you can be closer to winning Survivor!"

"See? They're telling us we can believe in ourselves! Just like I do! Believe in yourselves, guys!" cheered Lucas.

* * *

_Reward Challenge_

"Survivors!" yelled Master Hand. "Tribe Arakawa, take a look at the new Tribe Yamauchi. Wario voted off at the last tribal council."

Tribe Arakawa looked unsuprised.

"Now, let's get to today's challenge. It's basketball, only knee-deep in lava. First tribe to score three points wins. Want to know what you're playing for?"

Nobody answered.

Master Hand pulled a cover off of something.

"A day's worth of LSD for your entire tribe!"

Sonic got one of those anime glossy-eyed looks.

The camera cut shots.

"First round. Falcon, Peach, and Pikachu against Yoshi, Lucas, and Zelda. Go!"

"My legs hurt..." complained Zelda, ignoring that the "lava" used for the challenge was actually water with red food coloring.

"So I typed pathetic crumb into a search engine, and your name popped right up!" explained Falcon, looking at Peach.

"This is fun!" screamed Peach, jumping into a peach basket... get it?

Pikachu mumbled under his breath about lava and large giant penguins coming to eat him.

Yoshi took the ball, and did a complicated manuver while dodging Peach and Pikachu, while Lucas cheered him on.

Yoshi scored. As in, he got a basket, not that other kind you sick freak.

"A point for Tribe Arakawa. Round two, Snake, Roy and Toon Link against Mario, Pichu, and Samus. Go!"

Snake immediately shot Mario and strangled Pichu.

"..." said Samus, watching Roy set Toon Link on fire, only for it to be extinguished.

Snake scored. Again, not that kind, freak of nature.

"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Round three, Popo, Nana, and Dedede against Kirby, DK, and Sonic. Go!"

Nana was too busy shouting death threats at Popo to play.

Dedede nabbed the ball from Kirby. No, wait, sorry, he grabbed Kirby by mistake, allowing Sonic to run up and grab the ball.

Dedede dropped Kirby, making it possible for him and Sonic to pass the ball back and forth before shooting a goal.

" A point for Tribe Yamauchi."

"WHAT?" yelled Kirby. "We scored, not them! We deserve the point!"

"Too bad, I'm making the rules." taunted Master Hand. "Round three, Pikachu, Snake, and Peach against Pichu, Zelda, and Mario. Go!"

Pichu stood there and looked cute while Snake scored.

While Snake was making out with Zelda, however, Peach grabbed the ball and ate it. She then ran into a basket.

"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Tribe Yamauchi wins!"

Sonic cried.

Everyone went home.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

Sonic was high.

Pichu stood there and looked cute.

"..." said Samus.

Zelda complained.

Mario died.

Lucas too.

Yoshi did nothing.

DK did stupid things.

Kirby yelled at people.

There, now I don't have to focus on those guys for a while.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Do any of us actually do drugs?" questioned Popo, looking at the large amount they had.

"Throw it in the lava. No! I'll push it in there with my mind rays of AWESOMENESS." proclaimed Dedede.

Dedede poked the drugs.

They fell into the lava, creating toxic fumes.

However, these toxic fumes weren't very toxic, and just got everyone high.

"Whoah... look... There's a bright light... and it tastes delicious..." said Dedede.

"I like these..." said Peach.

"Ah... a helicopter... with a kitten jumping on the blades... Yay..." droned Nana.

"Autobots, transform and roll out!" commanded Falcon, falling over due to the lethalness of alchohol and drugs.

"Godzilla... on a skateboard... haha..." said someone of lesser importance.

"A tarantula... playing DDR... how intriguing..." mumbled Pikachu.

Alright, these guys are getting boring.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Got any twos?" asked Kirby.

"Go fish," said Mario.

Pichu ran over and grabbed the fishing gear dropping it in the lava. Um, cutely.

No, wait, this is dull... damn.

* * *

_That hotel you never see where all the rejects go_

"Give me all your money," demanded Wario.

"..." said ROB.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Your turn," said Kirby.

"I PLACE SIX IN ATTACK MODE!" hollered Sonic, thowing down a Dewgong pokemon card.

"Sonic, why did you even bother to come here if you're just going to do drugs?"

"Because it's all about SPEED!"

Kirby facepalmed.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Table," said the floor lamp. "I just... I'm leaving you for someone else."

"Heavens!" cried the table. "Why, who?"

"Why, it is for..." the floor lamp dramatically paused. "Microwave!"

"Gasp!" gasped the table.

Both bowed as the tribe applauded.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"STOP SWITCHING BACK AND FORTH!" cried Zelda. "I HATE IT HERE! I WANT TO GO HOME!"

* * *

_Mr. Game & Watch and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 3.5th Place_

"You know it's hard racing around the world?" asked G&W conversationally.

"You know it's hard looking at your face?" retorted Jigglypuff.

"A face that I don't have?" replied G&W. He pulled up a clue. "Road Block!"

"In this Road Block, both team members must commit horrible suicide!" said Master Hand.

"Actually, only one person can do a-" G&W was interrupted by Jigglypuff killing herself.

...

Mr. Game & Watch won the million dollars.

Nana stared in awe.

Toon Link tried to cut himself, but being high, he missed and stabbed his own eye.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Alright, guys, apparently we're supposed to be the serious ones here while the other tribe is just doing a lame attempt at comic relief." announced Kirby. "How about we build a shelter, or get some food, or do any of those other things that don't seem to be nessecary."

Pichu was dying of starvation... and exposure... exposure to Halo...

"Wait, how do you know that the other tribe is just being useless?" questioned Yoshi.

Popo ran past, on fire.

"Whoah, he's walking on fire! I knew he could do it if he tried!" cheered Lucas.

Popo fell through the fire and into the lava. The lava died.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

Dedede grabbed the treemail, the whole tribe still high.

"You have a pickle,  
A monkey,  
And a raft,  
Find a way,  
To get across,  
A desert,  
And stuff."

Everybody passed out.

* * *

_Immunity Challenge_

"Survivors!" called Master Hand. "Form up! I don't know but I've been told..."

Everyone stared.

"Um... ahem... Anyway, Tribe Arakawa, give back immunity."

They did. Not without a fight. This fight was a war in France, however.

"Now, here's the first actually thought out challenge this season!"

A montage showed while Master Hand explained.

"Five members from each tribe will take turns at five stations to chop at a series of ropes. Once these ropes are chopped through, you will get a bag of large puzzle coins. Once all five members have their coins, the remaining four members will put them on a large pole with a heavy stone base. Once they have completed the puzzle, they will drag it across a finish line. First tribe to do so wins immunity."

The film cut to when they find out that Rosebud is the sle- Oh, damn, wrong thing.

"Alright, Toon Link, Nana, Dedede, Snake, and Peach cutting for Tribe Yamauchi and Kirby, Lucas, Samus, Zelda, and Mario for Tribe Arakawa. Survivors ready, go!"

Peach fell right onto the machete she was given, which ended up impaling her skull. She suffered no brain damage, however.

Kirby immediately ran up and hacked at the rope, causing the coins to fall.

Toon Link ran up and started to cut at the rope, but noticed that he had a cutting implement and cut himself.

Lucas did an inspirational cheer while cutting at the rope, making it through and releasing the coins.

Snake actually staggered over to the booth with the rope, and cut through. He then passed out.

Toon Link dragged the coins to his tribe.

Mario cut through his rope but did too large a swing, and the machete flew out of his hands and into Peach's eye. He got the coins either way.

Nana violently hacked at the rope, but due to the fact that in this case "violently" means "barely at all", nothing happened.

Samus just threw the machete from where she was standing, and it cut through the rope and swung back like a boomerang, carrying the coins with it.

Nana still hacked at her rope, except that she was hacking at thin air instead of the rope.

Sonic staggered up to the booth and threw up.

Nana finally got the rope to break, and she threw the machete behind her, disemboweling Peach. However, no lasting damage was done, and Nana brought the coins.

Sonic threw up again, dropping the machete, having it oh-so coincidentally cut through the rope.

Dedede started to stroll at a leisurely pace towards the bag.

Sonic noticed the coins and went back to his tribemates.

Dedede stopped to pick a flower.

Pichu, Yoshi, Zelda, and DK started to do the puzzle. That is, Pichu cutely tried to do the puzzle, ignoring the clearly written insructions on the side, Yoshi stood back nervously, Zelda whined, and DK stood there, staring at the air in front of him.

Dedede stopped to tie his non-existant shoes.

Pichu still slaved at the puzzle.

Dedede simply grabbed the bag and walked back.

"Oh, let me do this." muttered Yoshi, doing the puzzle in half of a second.

Dedede stopped to look at a butterfly.

Yoshi and Pichu started to pull the pole over the finish line. This was not hard, considering the pole weighed about 10 pounds.

"Tribe Arakawa wins immunity!" announced Master Hand. "Blah blah blah, tribal council, blah blah."

Everybody left. Not that you care. I'm suprised if you've even read this far.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

The tribe staggered back into the toxic fumes of the drugs, Popo wisely staying out of it because it was green.

"I think giving the vote to pistachios is a good idea!" proclaimed Roy.

Everybody else glared at him.

Roy lit a match.

The flammability of the fumes caused the air to blow up.

Nothing else happened because I'm sick of writing this scene.

* * *

_Tribal Council_

Strange tribal yells of pain were heard as the tribe walked into tribal council.

"Now," began Master Hand. "You're here for the second time in a row. How does that make you feel?"

"Happy!" cheered Nana. "By getting rid of somebody we'll find a better living enviornment and-"

"OK. And now-"

"SHUTTHEHELLUPSHUTTHEHELLUPSHUTTHEHELLUP!" screamed Nana. "WERE YOU ASKED TO TALK? IVE GOT A CHAINSAW HERE THAT DOESN'T THINK SO!"

Master Hand back away.

"Well," he said. "Is there a real leader of your tribe yet?"

Dedede stood up.

"ME!" he proclaimed. "MY AWESOMENESS HAS DECLARED IT SO!"

"I see. And now, it's time to vote. Start."

Montagemontagemontage.

"Now let me get the votes."

Montageofthecontestantsmontageofthecontestantsmontageofthecontestants.

"Now, let me begin. First vote: Dedede."

A closeup of Dedede was shown.

"Second vote: Dedede."

Another closeup of Dedede was shown.

"Third vote: Roy. That's two votes Dedede, one vote Roy."

A closeup of Roy was shown.

"Fourth vote: Roy. Statistics that I don't feel like keeping track of at the moment."

A close up of Pichu.

"Fifth vote: Roy."

A close up of Roy again.

"Sixth vote: Dedede."

A close up of Roy _again_.

"Seventh and eigth votes: Roy. Bring your torch up."

Roy cried and hugged his torch, then handed over.

"I am sorry to tell you that you are the last team to arrive and you have been eliminated from the race. I mean, um, just go."

Master Hand put out the torch.

* * *

"I believe that this was probably a shock voting. I'm shocked." said Roy. "I really think that what got everybody annoyed was the firing- FIRE FIRE FIRE BURN BURN BURN!"

* * *

_Who voted who_

"Oppression... bring out the oppression..." mumbled Pikachu, writing Dedede's name.

"AAAH NOBODY LOVES ME!" cried Toon Link, voting for himself.

"I HATE YOU AND YOU'RE SUCH A nice person and I love you!" procliamed Nana, putting down a vote for Dedede.

"You really have to stop burning down whatever we make." whispered Popo, voting Roy.

"Stop lighting things on fire, I proclaimed. But no, you had to continue. SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES." said Dedede, voting for Roy.

Peach wrote down "RIY" and poked himself in the eye with the pen. She then giggled.

Falcon wrote down "MAH BOY" and passed out.

"Stop lighting things on fire, you said. NO." mocked Roy, voting for Dedede.

"Plot devices," murmured Snake, writing down Roy's name.

* * *

"Next time on- things that'll never happen!"

"Dedede attempts to take more control!"

_"Mario, shine my shoes. Kirby, fetch me some water." proclaimed Dedede._

_Everybody stared._

"And the alliances just might do something!"

_Something meaningful happened._

* * *

Man, it was hard writing this one. Especially who to vote out... not like you care.


	4. Oh my God, He Killed Kirby!

Disclaimer: Your face.

* * *

"Last time on- Survivor! ...Nothing happened! Because this episode started... you know, so this is like, the new last time... yeah... well, it was funny to me..."

The titles rolled... with drunken more like jokes.

Tribe Yamauchi

Peach (More like, Beach! ...You know, because beach sounds like b!&$h...)

Captain Falcon (More like, CRAPtain Falcon... because he sucks...)

Snake (More like, Sucke... Haha...)

Pikachu (More like, PINKachu... because he's gay...)

Toon Link (More like, Toon Doesn't Think... Yay...)

Popo (More like, Poop! I'm so witty...)

Nana (More like, Naan! Wait...)

Dedede (More like... Um... He sucks...)

Team Arakawa

Kirby (More like, Nerdby... I hate nerds...)

Zelda (More like, Delta! Yay, my college fraternity!)

Pichu (More like... Pichugly...)

DK (More like... OK...)

Yoshi (More like, Yo s^&t... Haha...)

Mario (More like Lucario! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA)

Lucas (More like... Lucario too... :))

Samus (More like... Manus... Cause he's a guy... right?)

Sonic (More like Zonic... XD)

* * *

_Night 9  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"Well, that's just great." moaned Popo. "Not only was Roy perhaps the worst choice to take out, but there's a slight chance that everyone fell in love with him in the last 72 hours and are now whining to the producers."

Popo glared at the camera.

"SOMEONE HELP." yelled Toon Link. "GET ME OUTTA HERE. I. NEED. MYSPACE."

* * *

_Day 10  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"OK. EVERYBODY UP." cried Dedede, despite the fact that it was 4 AM. "NOW GO GET SOME FOOD. AND, Nana, you, um... put out the lava."

"Sure, Mr. Dedede!" chirped Nana. "I'd do anything for y-"

Nana caught on fire.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS YOU MOTHERFU-"

Nana died.

Snake decided that the proper way to get rid of the corpse was to blow it up, so he threw a grenade at it. However, this grenade was the size of a house, so it incinerated the entire camp.

* * *

_Kirby  
Age 17  
Prime Time TV Producer  
Tribe Arakawa_

"Since we've won immunity twice in a row, I'm pretty sure that we'll make it to the merge on top. I know that it'll pay off having an alliance with-"

Kirby exploded, due to the fact that an overly large grenade blast killed him.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

Everyone noticed that there was a large explosion of which the blast radius only reached the end of the camp. A dead body fell out.

"Oh my god... He killed Kirby!" screamed Pichu.

"You bastard!" muttered Yoshi.

The explosion grew, killing everyone and saving about fifteen minutes worth of writing.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Hi guys." said Master Hand.

"I hate you." said Kirby.

"You are at a different location. It is -Cinnibar Island-. -We also got a contract this time so we don't have to keep moving-." said Master Hand.

"I still hate you." said Kirby.

"This has been Smashy Survivor in a Nutshell." said Pichu.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

Just repeat the above scene, but replace Kirby with Toon Link.

Toon Link cut himself.

"Now," ordered Dedede. "Move all this sand. I don't like sand."

Everyone grumbled, except for Peach, who sang about butterflies with autism.

"Did I ever tell you that I was setting a world record at a notable jungle river?" asked Dedede. "I got captured by natives, who tied me to a pole and sang The Song That Never Ends. I escaped with my awesomeness."

"That was me." mentioned Snake. "I told everyone a few days ago, only I had details and made it sound believable."

Everyone agreed, except for Peach, who sang about snakes with cerebral palsy.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

"Kirby..." moaned Pichu.

"What?" grunted Kirby, annoyed.

"Am I winning yet?"

"Really, we should have a poll thing. Who do you think's going to win?"

Nobody answered.

"Damn."

The subliminal message ended.

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"Did I ever tell you that I climbed a high notable mountain?" asked Dedede. "It was hard, but I got my fruit back from a bird who stole it."

"That was us." said Nana and Popo simultaneously.

"Shut up, you're gay."

The prepubescent Newgrounds viewers voted 5.

* * *

_Dedede  
Annoyance  
Age 44  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"I am in control of this game," boasted Dedede. "I know that everyone loves me because I'm awesome, and I have an alliance which I haven't even bothered to make yet. IT'S PURE BRILLIANCE."

* * *

_Day 11  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"Tree mail!" said Popo, grabbing aformentioned treemail.

"If you like suprises, get ready  
As this challenge involves going steady  
And once you win, you'll have to see if  
The reward is... Screw this, where's my paycheck? I'm outta here."

Pikachu stole the treemail and began to chew on it, muttering children's songs under his breath.

"Aren't these poems declining in effort every day?" pondered Popo.

"I DEMAND THAT MORE EFFORT IS PUT INTO THESE POEMS." screamed Dedede. "After all, I was a princess that was kidnapped by a dinosaur three times a week."

Everyone looked at Peach. She noticed that people were paying attention to her and started hitting herself in the face with her own shoe.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

DK tried to read the treemail, but threw it away, thinking it was a burning flame. It hit Mario in the head. However, it was on fire. Bet you didn't see that coming.

Mario burst into flame.

* * *

_Reward Challenge_

"Survivors!" yelled Master Hand, being unessecarily loud and shattering several windows. "Today you will have a reward challenge! This is exciting!"

A sign with the word "Applause" on it was raised. Falcon and Peach clapped.

"Now, out in the ocean over there, we have bottles with small animals stuffed inside placed every two feet! Get as much as you can in three minutes. No use in letting them out though, they're dead anyway. Now go ahead for all I care. Oh yeah, you're playing for a dinner."

The two teams ran into the water, with no sense of order.

"WE MUST STOP LITTLE BABY!" cried Falcon, pulling Toon Link underwater for several minutes.

Pichu cried as he pulled back a bottle containing a Minun. However, he tripped and the water made a ton of sand stuck to his face and he suffocated too.

Kirby just died somehow.

"Oh my god, he killed Kirby!" realized Popo.

"You bastard!" muttered Yoshi.

Peach grabbed about nine of the bottles and put them in her nouth before running to shore. Six of these were ones that the other tribe was assigned to get.

Lucas stayed to the side and cheered. With pom-poms and a miniskirt and everything.

Sonic, now beleiving he was the second coming, grabbed five bottles and moonwalked back to the beach. He then made a horrible movie based on that dance.

The three minutes went up.

"And the winner is Tribe Arakawa wow raise your hand if you weren't expecting that." said Master Hand, uninspired. "However, this one doesn't matter, for the dinner is tomorrow, and then, you will dine... in hell!"

Thunder clapped.

"Wait, no, you're dining in tribal council. You're both going so there's no immunity and none of you are special. Now hand back immunity and go away."

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"So," started Popo. "I assume that the rest of what appears in the final cut is uninteresting crap meant to take up spac-

The film stopped suddenly, and switched to a scene of Falcon chasing Peach. While on fire.

* * *

_Zelda  
Princess  
Age 25  
Tribe Arakawa_

"I hate this place!" cried Zelda. "It's too hot, there's too many insects, I have no perfume, it's too humid, the magicians are always casting dark magic curses on me, this tribe is full of idiots, I have a stupid name, Miley Cyrus is still preforming, the new Star Trek movie did not live up to my expectations, and I have a rock in my shoe!"

Zelda pouted.

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

Sonic and Kirby were just stting at camp. Sonic, predictably, was getting high.

"The cOloRS..." moaned Sonic approximately eighty times. Per minute.

"Shut up!" cried Kirby. "I've had it up to here with your moaning! Now stop before I kill you!"

Sonic blew smoke into Kirby's face.

"What are they doing?" thought DK, forgetting how to talk.

* * *

_Kirby  
Prime Time TV Producer  
Age 18  
Tribe Arakawa_

"Why am I stuck on this tribe?" moaned Kirby. "Sonic's a pothead, DK's a dunce, Zelda won't shut up, Pichu's like 10 years old, Lucas is a retard, Samus doesn't do anything, Yoshi won't do anything social, and Mario's... annoying."

* * *

_Tribe Yamauchi_

"So," said Popo. "I was hoping that the three of us could seriously discuss who's getting voted off."

"SHOW ME YOUR MOVES." screamed Falcon, attracting the attention of the entire camp.

"Damn."

* * *

_Tribe Arakawa_

Kirby died somehow so I can make that damn South Park reference one last time. Wait, no, screw that joke, I'm going home.

* * *

_Day 12  
Tribe Yamauchi_

"PIKACHU." commanded Dedede. "HAND FEED ME GRAPES."

Pikachu was laughing manically, fondling a knife and coming ever closer to Dedede.

"PIKACHU. DO IT NOW."

Pikachu crept closer do Dedede, muttering something about bullets not being good enough.

The footage sped up, speeding through murder, meaningful discussions, and people doing the Can-Can.

* * *

_Tribal Council_

"Tribe Arakawa!" said Master Hand. "Welcome to your second tribal. Or eighth. I could never count that high."

Everyone looked around awkwardly.

"Now, Lucas, have you really done anything this entire episode?"

"Nope!" cheered Lucas. "I wanted to sit back and let others take the spotlight! This just helps showing the value of teamwork! I-"

"Your brother is dead."

Lucas cried.

"Kirby, how are you getting along with the others? Has there been any tension?"

"It's too early in the season," explained Kirby. "Aren't we prohibited by law not to have any real tension or alliances until there's 15 people left?"

"OH WELL LOOK UM DK, do you know the Muffin Man?"

"Who's the Muffin Man?" cried DK. "What's a muffin? What's a man? Where are we? I'm hungry. Why am I hungry?"

"And on that note, it's time for voting. Just go up and cast your vote, I don't really care who gets out."

Montage funtime ensued.

"Alright, now, they're pretty much all for Mario, so what's the point. You're out."

Master Hand blew Mario's head off.

"You're going to be feasting on his remians."

Everyone cheered.

* * *

_Annoying voting thing comes early this time!_

Mario silently held up a vote for Sonic.

"My shoes command me to do so," confessed Sonic, voting for the Pope.

Everyone else just voted Mario.

* * *

_Later_

"Tribe Yamauchi! Why are you here again?"

A cameraman came up and whispered in Master Hand's ear.

"Oh. Sit down, whatever."

They did so.

"Now, Dedede-"

"Mario, shine my shoes. Kirby, fetch me some water." proclaimed Dedede.

Everyone stared.

"So, Pikachu-"

"THE FIRE." yelled Pikachu. "IT BURNS ME. WHY?"

Everyone stared.

"Let's just vote."

The montage was tired, so the medly stepped in.

"Now, let me read the votes."

Master Hand got out the votes.

"First vote, Mr. T."

Clips from The A-Team showed.

"Second vote, Pikachu."

Pikachu breathed heavily.

"Third vote, Pikachu."

Pikachu breathed heavilyier.

"Fourth vote, Toon Link."

Toon Link was cutting himself.

"Fifth vote, Dedede."

Dedede brought out his gun.

"Sixth vote, Pikachu. With all of these votes, the logical conslusion is, you're out Pikachu."

Pikachu ran down the path.

The credits rolled.

* * *

_Pikachu's last words._

"Turn you back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now." muttered Pikachu. "The police are getting many complaints. Look out. I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jim. Ok, ok, I am all through. Can't do another thing. Look out mamma, look out for her. You can't beat him. Police, mamma, Helen, mother, please take me out. I will settle the indictment. Come on, open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone."

* * *

_Voting time!_

"I'm honestly concerned for the safety of the tribe." whispered Popo, voting for Pikachu.

"You're cute! AND I DON'T LIKE CUTE THINGS." screamed Nana, putting in a vote for Pikachu.

"I PITY DA FOO'" yelled Falcon, writing down Mr. T.

"I drew this picture of you! It's made of french fries!" confessed Peach, showing Pikachu's name.

"Yes... Yes..." mumbled Pikachu, writing down Dedede's name.

"I WANT OUT" cried Toon Link, voting for himself.

"Stop stabbing me. It is against the law now." proclaimed Dedede, deciding on Pikachu.

"I have no idea why I'm still here." confessed Snake, voting for Pikachu.

* * *

"Next time on-"

"BREAKING NEWS!" said Crazy Hand, the anchorman. "MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL DEAD. I REPEAT MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL DEAD."

* * *

Gah, this chapter's a lot worse than the others in my opinion. Not like anybody cares what I think, but still.


End file.
